Archive for October 19th, 2004


Unmotivational Speaker

The man stood up in front of the audience. “Okay you lot. Sit up. Life can get you down and you know what, that sucks. Yes, I’m here to tell you that tough luck is what you’ve faced, what you’re facing, and what you will face for the rest of your lives. Sorry to tell you this, but you’re never going to get what you really really want. Ever.”

Someone piped up in the back. “Excuse me, but that can’t be true because some people seem to have everything.”

“This is true. There are some truly stupid, worthless people out there who somehow manage to get whatever they want whenever they want it. I can name a few politicians, a few rich guys, one or two people in entertainment. Fuck all if anyone knows how they managed it. I don’t know, and I wouldn’t be here talking to you if I did. I don’t have it, and you certainly don’t have it or you wouldn’t be here.”

“But you’re a motivational speaker. You’re supposed to tell us we can accomplish anything we want or reach any goal we set our minds to.”

“Now why would I want to go around telling you lies like that? I’m not a liar. I might be a failure, a scammer, a freeloader, but never a liar. I’m telling you like it is. If I said you could reach any goal, knowing full well you wouldn’t, I wouldn’t be doing my job properly.”

A murmur ran through the crowd then. “What the fuck are you doing here then?”

“Well, I’m here to tell you to at least try to reach those goals. Try for them even if you never make them. And you won’t make them, but at least if you try you might get somewhere. Anywhere. It might not be where you expect it to be, but it’ll be better than sitting on your ass feeling sorry for yourself that you aren’t rich, or famous, or have a private harem.”

“You want us to try, even though we’ll fail.”

“Yup. Just try. If you don’t, you’re an even sorrier loser than you look.”

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