Archive for October 13th, 2004

2004.10.13

Cambodia Cruz

A very long time ago I came up with a character named Cambodia Cruz, a blatant rip off of Indiana Jones. I loved those movies and wanted to do something similar. Last week while talking with NHK I remembered I’d actually written a short story about him and dug it out of my paper archives.

Now I’m in the process of transcribing the material. Oh my dear lord, what a tradedy. I can’t believe how horrible it is! It’s so bad it’s almost funny to read passages of it now. There’s absolutely zero characterization, a flat linear plot line, a suddenly appearing female interest (halfway through the story, no less), and the action is entirely reaction.

After transcribing it I think I’ll go back and rewrite it and, if it seems at all interesting, I’ll post the results here. In fact maybe I’ll post them side by side so you all can see how bad the first one was and what you can do with a simple rewrite. Meanwhile I’ll leave you with this bad bad example…

Recovering from the initial shock, Cambodia Cruz stood up. He was in pit about ten feet deep with a two foot ledge halfway up. At first Cruz wondered why the hell the makers of the place would bother to make a trap that was easy to escape from. Then he heard a series of clicks going around the ceiling. Sudden apprehension seized him. As fast as his body would move he climbed out of the pit and into one of the surrounding passages.

Just as he slipped into the corridor the ceiling fell and covered up the pit with an ear popping explosion. Cambodia Cruz sat down in relief. The trap, he thought, was designed to trap the person down in the pit under five feet of stone. Five feet!

Five feet, indeed! What I didn’t include is he tripped and, “His nose hit the ground and triggered a hidden mechanism that made the entire floor of the room fall into a pit.” Urgh, it hurts just to share that, but it’s too sad not to throw your way. His nose must be mighty powerful to trigger the collapse of the floor… sigh

3 Comments | Catergorized: writing
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