2003.11.22

Can I 0wnz3r Your Buttocks?

According to this article if you plan on using a third party to help you conduct business on the internet: don’t. AT&T will sue you (as they are eBay and PayPal) for infringing on their patent, “Mediation of transactions by a communications system.” It basically says that if you own a business (like eBay) and hire another company (like PayPal) to handle transactions of money (for convenience and security) you are infringing upon AT&T’s patent.

How bloody stupid is this! I suppose I should quickly get the patent on running a business on the internet so I can sue AT&T (and maybe a few other irritants). Further, I should patent, “Methods and processes of litigation for percieved patent infringement.” Hot damn, that sounds good! Does anyone have cash to make the patent application? I’ll split future proceeds 50/50 for 50 years though ownership remains 100% with me.

Other patents I should apply for that goto the root of everything stupid:

Mediation of communication between human beings. Will be used to get these idiots to shut up.

Method of causing a female to become pregnant. Will be used to prevent future generations of idiots from appearing. Existing (eg: already born) infringements will be sequestered in Greenland in perpetuity.

Process of cell respiration, specifically bringing gas (air) into a living cell. Could be used to prevent the buildup of greenhouse gasses as it is used to prevent these bloated windbags from breathing anymore.

What’s sad is that someone probably does own one or more of these patents!

I should note that these patent ideas are NOT covered by the Creative Commons License at the bottom of this page; they are mine by official US Copyright Law till the end of time (even if I won’t be around) and any infringement I don’t like will be vigorously prosecuted till I 0wnz3r your buttocks.

5 Comments Categorized: rights  technology

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5 Responses to “Can I 0wnz3r Your Buttocks?”

  1. douglas.nerad » Patent Reform says  (March 6th, 2008 at 17:15:22 )

    [...] been saying it for a while, but now even the Washington Post is saying it: the United States Patent System needs to be [...]

  2. douglas.nerad » Reforming Business Patents says  (March 7th, 2008 at 09:40:45 )

    [...] the point of needing serious reform. I’ve been ranting about the need for reform for a long time now. Our Founding Fathers thought both were extremely important and build them into our [...]

  3. Nob Hill Ken says  (March 9th, 2008 at 12:28:15 )

    Okay, I’ll bite.

    1. How much does the application cost?

    2. Do you know a lawyer who’d take your case on contingency?

  4. douglas says  (March 9th, 2008 at 13:06:16 )

    It looks like costs vary according to the USPTO:

    The cost can be very high for some people although fees for the patent application, issue and maintenance fees and other related fees are reduced by 50 percent when the applicant is a small business or individual inventor. You can expect to pay the U. S. Patent and Trademark Office a minimum of about $4,000 over the life of the patent.

    I suppose we could talk to the lawyers at work, or perhaps my neighbors?

  5. Nob Hill Ken says  (March 12th, 2008 at 15:47:53 )

    The part-time dentist, perhaps.