2003.04.09
2003.04.09
i was writing an email to ann today, rambling on about my fear of sharks. this started when talking about surfing. i thought it might be interesting to share…? (slightly edited from the original)
…in the back of my head there is a desperate fear of going out in the water. i know i really don’t have any rational reason for it, but then if it were rational i could come to terms with it. … i don’t know if you realize how complete my silly fear of sharks is. it really tormented me for years and years. it was such a relief when the nightmares went away.
funny thing about it, though, is that i don’t think it’s a phobia. that’s a different kind of psychosis that most people can never get over. i WANT to go out in the water. someday i even WANT to go into the water with sharks. i just want to build up to it. and every step will still fill me with this dread.
i think the fear is both simple and deep. one is a fear of being eaten. not just being eaten, but being eaten in chunks that don’t kill you right away. i’ve told you how i wish i could turn my brain off sometimes because i can’t stop thinking. when i was younger this is one of the things i kept thinking about.
it is also fear of infinite below-ness.
by this i mean an unfathomable depth below me, filled with unknown and potential peril, as well as beauty, to be sure. this is in opposition to infinite above-ness which is sky, and space, and galaxies so far we will probably never reach them with any technology ever. only our imaginations. and when my imagination takes hold of the infinite above-ness, i’m filled with hope and wonder and a godlike awe. and when my imagination takes hold of the infinite below-ness i’m filled with uncertainty, dread, and… i don’t even know what words to use to describe it. a kind of morbid facination?
so my goal is to try and overcome this, or at least come to terms with it. carl jung would love how i’ve got such a clear idea of what it is i’m afraid of. now i just need technique to deal with it…
i like the idea of infinite above-ness and infinite below-ness; they are very much like jung’s dream symbol of the house with the upper floors having a completely different (and often opposite?) meaning from the basement. joseph campbell might also be able to point out how this relates to the symbology of myth, the decent into the underworld and the ascent into "heaven".
Categorized: thoughts
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